First things first. I know you are hurting. Having a ‘relationship’ with a toxic person is heartbreaking. But before you go on looking at all the things that you’ve apparently done wrong, I’d like to tell you the truth. Know that I’m holding space for you and that you too can find your inner happy. Again. (Because you are worthy. And so much more than enough).
So … Onwards & Upwards (here’s to you).
You must no longer fall for the narcissist’s lies and heart manipulations. Do not believe the following statements of a master manipulator: “I don’t know what I did. You take things too seriously. You make me feel bad. I know you better than you know yourself.”
All of the above are just gaslighting techniques. The well-planned idea behind this is to make you feel small, insecure and also have you doubting your own reality and all your feels. Narcissists will undermine you and deliberately hurt you. They try to trigger emotions – negative and positive. This toxic tactic is called emotional baiting (hook/line/sinker). Opposite to what they might tell you, it’s not banter. It’s toxic, hurtful and has only one purpose. To provoke a reaction (any reaction), which, in turn, feeds the hungry and dark beast in them.
Narcissists and their hearts are like an abyss, a black hole of sorts. They know not of empathy, compassion, never mind true love. It’s all a game to them. They need the energy of caring people to sustain their apparent aliveness. They literally suck energy from their victims. And make no mistake, this kind of energy vampire takes its toll on the strongest of us. These dark souls feast on other’s energy to fill the empty void within themselves. To achieve such parasitic connections, they will woo you at first, often their charm seems intoxicating (every pun intended). At first glimpse, they are a fabulous friend or partner, who understands everything you feel and need. They always seem to have the perfect answer ready for any hardship you may encounter. They are fantastic and (a bit too) eager listeners. Of course. After all, they are trying to find out all your strengths and weaknesses, so they can later – at their command – manipulate you into their little box of narcissistic supply.
Every relationship with an energy vampire of their kind has the same stages (time frames may vary but the outcome is always the same).
After a while, you’ll find your (perfect) partnership with the narcissist is changing. Subtle at first. But a little longer down the track, the tides turn quickly. There may be a silent treatment for no reason. Or angry looks and toxic stares. Things get twisted. Facts get altered. And all of the sudden you find yourself at the guilty (without charge) end of the punishing stick. Now if you are like me, a hypersensitive empath with a ‘must save everyone’ complex, you’ll end up in tears, second-guessing yourself and analyzing everything that you could have done possibly done wrong. Wondering why things have changed? And what you could have done better?
Meanwhile, in narcissist land, he’s looking for a new supply. And without you knowing, he’s setting up a smear campaign about you and how apparently unstable you are. He’s the poor victim of your mean-spirited behaviour. All of this happens behind your back. Of course.
So, back to what you could have done better. Well, nothing. Abso-f*cking-lutely nothing. Welcome to the vicious circus of narcissism. And what a great show they put on. Indeed. This is exactly the point of toxicity and manipulation that the energy vampire wanted you to be in. In the first place. This is where all the lying acts come together to play their part on your heart’s trembling stage. It was never about you feeling loved and supported. You see, it’s all about their (endless) needs. They need you to feel small. They energetically feast on your struggle for their approval. This is the kind of stuff that increases their self-worth. Remember, they are unable to sustain their own aliveness, as deep down where the beast hides, they feel like a fraud. It’s strange really. Needing to hurt and drag others down to make themselves feel better. Truly sad. But don’t get this wrong. They don’t need your empathy and compassion. (Unless you choose to be a victim for the rest of your life).
If the relationship with your narcissist survives up until this point (and I truly hope you started seeing the truth early on and made a run for it instead), you’ll find the next level of manipulation probably the most heart-breaking. Triangulation. Suddenly, there’s another person, better and more important than you ever were. The narcissist is just so happy with the newbie’s compliance. It’s all going so very well. And you are being shown this lie in all possible scenarios. Into the little box, you go! You, on the other hand, feel hurt and you might even compete for the narc’s attention. Oh, what bliss for the toxic hearted one! Now, he gets his energy levels filled from two (re)sources. The new shiny toy and the old worn out supply. If you haven’t done it yet ~ leave now. ASAP. As a matter of heart urgency.
Because. The narcissist will change. Ever.
Don’t kid yourself. Trust me, this reminder cannot be stated too often. Remember, anybody who is truly worthy of your tender thunder heart will not turn and twist your soul to suit their needs only. Of course, there are arguments in every relationship but ‘discussions’ with a master manipulator are quite different from normal and healthy communication. You cannot reason with them. They deny, lie and twist everything that has ever been said. They always have a way out. Mostly not even addressing the actual elephant in the room but just quickly deviating their neediness into your problem. Some scream to intimidate, others ever so subtly declare it was all just a bit of fun and that you take things too seriously. You simply have no sense of humour. All the others get it. You don’t. And besides that, the narcissist never said this and you are just being so selfish. Again. See? Back to you.
My Dear. It’s time to feel the truth of betrayal and to stand tall. No more playing small. No more victim mentality. It’s time to shine. And rise. Through your pain. There’s nothing you could have done differently. This whole mind/heart f*ckery was not your fault but a carefully orchestrated master plan executed by a narcissist/master manipulator/shitty chameleon.
Here’s the truth. You were not chosen by the narcissist because you are special (Yes, the question where you have been all his life – it too was a lie). You were targeted. For all the wonderful and amazing things you stand for. Empathy. Compassion. Love. Loyalty. You display an insane amount of self-responsibility within relationships with the added bonus of perfectionism. You’re probably too hard on yourself as well. And you say sorry. A lot. And of course, you are kind-hearted and believe everybody else is as well.
You don’t attract toxic ones because there’s something wrong with you. But because there’s so much right with you. And that kind of feel all heart is their life supply. But. Worry not.
Here are six truths about you (toxic heart manipulators don’t want you to know):
Your level of empathy is super hight (you are/give so much more than enough).
You see the world through a sparkle and love filter, so you see the good in all (even within a manipulator).
You take responsibility for everything & you apologize (a lot)
Your glass is always half full (if not filled to the top already).
Your modus operandi is that there’s a solution to every problem (‘Let me do this for you’ heart mode).
You have an amazingly loving and loyal heart (sensitivity is your superpower).
All these traits are your strengths. But you see, it’s not in the narcissist’s interest that you are aware of your good qualities. They’d rather feast on them in secret whilst turning and twisting their own shortcomings into your apparent problems. But. The more you can empower yourself, the more you’ll see the narcissist’s true nature. And sooner or later you’ll run a mile (or two) from this kind of toxic.
Because. Whilst they are stuck in their dark rut (and goodness, it must be exhausting having to manipulate others all your life), you have the power within to become a BRAND NEW YOU at your heart’s command.
Remember. It’s never too late. No matter how long you were held in this toxic prison. You can begin to free yourself with your next breath. And the next. (Keep going). Understand that your fear of not being enough is just a thought. And not the truth. It’s a leftover remnant from shitty toxic imprints. Drop those self-doubts for the love of you. (The only true love that’ll save you from the dark). Set yourself free from the toxic ones. They are not your responsibility. They never were. And they never will be.
No more excuses for their behavior. You are strong and worthy of the brilliant love you give.
Fire up that self-love sparkle and leave them to their own karma. (Because. She knows).
PS ~ a (dis) honorable mention only: there are some who believe the narc’s tales and lies. Blinded by the apparent victimization they take sides. Or stay silent. But remember this. You don’t need their approval. You don’t have to explain or defend your truth. Cut those toxic cords and leave them. Instead. They are not worthy of your energy. Know this. Eventually, the narc’s darkness will catch up with them as well. It always does. (Those are not your people).
You are the one who got away. Own this.
Sparkle On. You are worthy.
“Self-help with an edge.”- Vogue